I love this place. I don't spend nearly enough time here though. I get Brian's Philosopher's Notes emailed and they're one of the first things I look for in the morning when I sit down. They always inspire me and make me think. When I was recently rebuilding my the website for my henna business, I wanted to use thoughtful quotes about joy and this was the first place I looked. I 've gone through so much this year and it was hard to spend time here. it's always so positive and I wasn't ready to be there yet. Until I decided to rebuild, and slowly I read this or that and little by little I started to let a little more light in.

For awhile I've felt kind of lost. All of the things I thought I wanted from the world I neglected away or distracted myself from until it was too late to save. And I've been in mourning for awhile, wallowing really in my very piscean way. I couldn't find where I fit in the flow, couldn't feel where I belonged and was waiting for the universe to give me some kind of a clue which direction to head in with myself. Then suddenly, as it usually does, the current grabs me and fills me and makes me feel alive again. Everything starts to make sense again. And everything seems possible.

I've been trying to force myself to write in one of blogs I keep for my henna site for  almost a week now. Some days I didn't find the energy, but I really wanted to build a useful extension so I managed when I could. Things at home being chaotic doesn't help, but getting up at 4 when the whole house is alseep has made it seem easier to manage. Today I wrote one about finding design books which made me start thinking about what inexpensive things I might do to help keep from starving and help my business survive through the winter. And there it was, the current, the flow, it was amazing.  And as soon as I had that moment of security where the domain name was mine, I had to come here so I can remind myself later when it's all fuzzy. And the most fabulous thing is that the one thing that always stood in my way before isn't the obstacle anymore, it's the inspiration. Not having money is suddenly my gift. I'm glad to have it this way. It challenges me to create rather than consume. And somehow all of the other things I didn't allow myself to follow because I didn't have the money are possible too. It's like adding an extra dimension to my world and I see all of the things I did before, but now they're brighter, clearer, more full. It's just amazing!  I feel really blessed today!

I read about this place in an ad in the Yoga Journal mag last month. I was immediately drawn to the idea of connecting with people like this.  Then, when I finally made the time to join, two magazine ads later, I was stunned  and in awe of what was actually here. So much to read, so many ideas to think about, I didn't even want to blog at first. I thought, what do I have to offer in such a place, how can I really add my energy where it's obvious that so many people here are much farther down the path than I am. In reading Brian's blog about the different principles, and reading some of the postings in different pods, there's so  much for me to take away from this place, but what can I do to give back?

Today, I found the thing. It's something I've been holding on to for quite some time now. Something that started as a way for myself and my best friend to support ourselves. And when the idea came of how to use it to help others, I got scared. I was terrified of the thought that it could be something bigger than I could manage. What if it grew to its potential and broght the sweeping changes for so many people as I had hoped... Then people might look at me and my life would be examined. My past would come back to slap me in the face and all of the bad choices I had made would be there to take this marvelous thing I had given to so many people and destory it.  YIKES!

So, I let down all of the people who were counting on me to make it happen. I used my ex-husband as my excuse and tried not to let it tear me apart.

And four years have gone by. And each time it comes drifting up to haunt me, I tell it "there isn't any money for you, there isn't any time."  More excuses to keep the beast in check. How dare it challenge me to succeed? I am  perfectly happy ignoring my potential, come back later when I'm not wallowing...

Then you read that manifesto..."What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

Is he talking to ME? How did he KNOW I was going to be reading this... hmmmm....

It hurts! And then it imakes me think....  What would  I do, where would I be? And immediately my little friend says "You know where you'd be, you took it away from yourself...."  That's a bummer!  And for a good long moment I think I should wallow in it.  But then something amazing happens.... I see it as a challenge instead of just  ano9ther shortcoming. I did  actually go out and give my business cards to people last week. I have been engaging people in conversation about henna and signing up to do it at events. That is a start. Maybe I can handle it after all. I did build the fullmoonhenna website this time.  I have been working on it instead of just  worrying that I might have to succeed for a change.

And now, I know what I have to do. I have let too many things pass me by that weren't even about helping just me. I was going to write the business plans and give them to anyone who could carry them thru. They were about helping other people and it was selfish and wrong to talk myself out of it. MoralFibers was about creating jobs for people in Waipahu, making the vacant sugarcane fields profitable again, revitalizing a community that needed it!... CelestialNest, what a goofy name, it was to help people create finanical self-reliiance , taking their hopes and dreams for themwselves and showing them how to turn them into something that could feed them  and give them confidence in themselves.

And then there's the big one, Herbally Gifted, the one I was going to change the world with. And now, thanks to that ad and Brian and everyone else here that has sparked something inside me to believe in myself again, I will find a way confront my fears and silence them. It was given to me, intrusted by the divine, and it is my obligation to take it where it can go! and if it only goes around the block, fine. And if it inspires someone else or even helps one other person make a difference in some small way, that's something! And I'm competely ok with that...